Q: What is Smack? A: Besides being wack, Smack is street slang for heroin, a highly addictive narcotic that is administered intravenously. The injection creates an intense rush, psychotic delusions, unbridled rage, and lackluster grade point averages—and is therefore very bad for children.
Q: What is an orphan? A: An orphan is a child who does not have parents. Famous orphans include: Eleanor Roosevelt, Nelson Mandela, Malcolm X and Little Orphan Annie.
Q: Why should I care about orphans? A: Studies have shown that donating your time and energy to charity is an excellent way to bolster your own sense of importance in the community. Especially if you get a municipal pavilion of some sort named after you. Therefore, save the orphans - save yourself.
Q: Why can’t thirteen year olds be part of the FSITO program? A: Because at thirteen, it’s just too darn late. Statistics show that 97.8% of thirteen-year-old orphan drug addicts are resistant to drug rehabilitation. Also, after the age of twelve, children tend to lose their “cute factor” – thus making it more difficult to attract funders.
Q: What are FSITO’s success rates? A: Incredibly, FSITO boasts an astounding 100% success rate on those orphans who make a conscious choice to conquer Smack. Obviously, we don’t have the money or manpower to keep track of the other losers and weaklings who fall by the wayside.
Q: What does FSITO actually do? A: Step one is detoxification – getting the Smack out of the orphan’s system. Step two focuses on mental and physical rehabilitation. This therapeutic re-education program teaches the important lessons of self-control, life goals, and sober living. In addition, our orphans meet seven days a week and engage in five hours of mandatory kung fu training. Designed to discipline their minds and bodies, this rewarding activity often includes one fifteen minute break. Step three is inter-orphan communication. Selected orphans share their success stories with other orphans – and, more importantly, with our state and federal funding organizations and donors.With FSITO’s program, we put the FUN in orFUNage* as our patients rediscover themselves as sober individuals and kung fu kick their way into the future.
(*Fun in orFUNage ©1974 FSITO International)
Q: How much does the program cost? A: It’s free! You just have to be an orphan, under thirteen years old, and have a debilitating drug problem.
Q: How long is the program? A: The program lasts for as long as it takes. Or until an orphan turns thirteen. FSITO offers after-program counseling, elementary school placement, and light refreshments for any orphan who tests negative for drugs in a at-home drug test. Cool!
Q: What can I do if I see a wandering orphan on smack? A: Pretend you are a Pusher or a Pimp to gain the child’s trust, then ask them to wait while you “score some of that good stuff.” Using your iPhone or Blackberry, go to FSITO’s website and find the closest location near you. Take the drugged out orphan there, and our volunteers will take care of the rest.
Q: Can I really trust FSITO? A: Of course you can. Take a look at our graph: